These were the words uttered - no, shouted - at me around 1 AM this morning by a complete stranger.
I, too, was on my way home, minding my own business, IN MY OWN CAR. You'd think that at that point you should be safe from unwanted harassment.
Let me tell you the story.
I was on the freeway home after a lovely, but late, evening out. There were some road repairs so the normally 5-lane traffic becomes 1 lane. Here I am, amongst this stop-and-go traffic in the dead of night, when some big truck tries to forcefully cut me off - no signaling or anything.
Now, I generally do not take to anyone's manipulation easily. Likewise, I inched forward to indicate that, no, that's kind of a dick move, sir.
The driver (white male, mid- to late- thirties) opens his door in the middle of traffic, gets out of his huge Ford (250?) truck, and shouts at me through my windshield, "FUCK YOU BITCH! IT'S MY TURN."
I am smaller than he is and my car is smaller than his. Maybe I should have just run him over, but can someone please explain what in the world I could have done to respond to this?
I simply switched lanes and drove away. But I wish I could have expressed, in no uncertain terms, how inappropriate and unacceptable his words and behavior is. It was the one time I wish I carried a gun, just to overcome this stupid difference in intimidation potential.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
a post!
Hello, Women's Writes. Julia here - you might recall that several months ago I introduced myself to the group and then vanished. I'm an English teacher in Japan and months of living without internet in my apartment plus adjusting to my international move and
new career have severely affected my internetting habits for which I apologize - Women's Writes is such a great movement and I've seen a lot of great posts here since it began. I really wish I had posted more often. I read a post here yesterday by the wonderful miss Simone that finally inspired me to move my rear end and add my two cents.
new career have severely affected my internetting habits for which I apologize - Women's Writes is such a great movement and I've seen a lot of great posts here since it began. I really wish I had posted more often. I read a post here yesterday by the wonderful miss Simone that finally inspired me to move my rear end and add my two cents.
In her last post, Simone writes on the topic of female vulnerability. When I read her post, my thoughts immediately went to a conversation I had recently had with another female teacher at my school. She told me that one night, she was coming home on the subway and had an experience quite similar to Simone's when a creepy fellow began to follow her and ask her leading questions. She didn't choose earphones to ward off the scumbucket, however - she chose an imaginary boyfriend.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I have to go. My boyfriend is waiting for me and I need to meet him." The would-be pervert nodded and vanished without another word.
When she told me this story, I was relieved that the creep had gone away, but I couldn't help thinking howunfortunate it was that she had had to invent a man as a form of protection. Worse, the knowledge that despite my own raging aversion to depending on men, I might have very well done the same thing. A would-be attacker seems to think preying on a lone female is
fine but often backs off when a big, strong man is in the picture - someone who could potentially give him trouble. The lie often comes instinctively in a big, spastic blurt before one can remember their wits: "I'm sorry, I don't know the time but I have to go because
my boyfriend is waiting for me. Yep, I sure love Gunther - I'm so proud of him! He's a second-degree blackbelt in karate and he might make the third degree tonight...!"
A similar lie is often told when an undesirable fellow asks us out: "I'm flattered," we gush, "... but, unfortunately, I have a boyfriend." We rationalize the lie by telling ourselves that it is the quickest, easiest way to spare the other guy's feelings, but what the lie actually says is "I don't have the strength and confidence to say 'no' to you because I want to - I need to invent another man to provide a viable excuse as to why I don't want to date you."
Despite having used this ploy at times in my life, I resent it. I resent that after centuries of attempts to be viewed as equal to men - gaining the vote, demanding control over our bodies, carving out financially and emotionally independent lives - we still sometimes resort to needing male protection. Somehow, even the imaginary threat of a man seems to be better protection than, say, our pepper spray or even our ipod earphones.
As I type this, I am chatting via IM with my (male) friend back home for feedback. He says he doesn't see why it is so bad for females to need male protection - women are, after all, generally weaker/smaller thanmen ("And wait, you weren't upset when I walked you home from work that night, were you??"); therefore it's a fact of life that we might need male protection from other males. I know my friend means well but I am nonetheless getting upset. And I am probably getting upset because I know that ultimately, he has a point.
I know I'm physically smaller and weaker than a man. I know that in nature, animals fear what might hurt them and at 4'11" and under 100 pounds I just don't pose that threat. I know that when I walk home with my 6 foot tall boyfriend (who actually is a 2nd degree black belt in karate) I am more likely to seem like too much trouble to deal with. I know that even if I,
too, became a black belt in karate or an ace with a knife I would still seem like an easy target on sight if I walked home alone at night - until I donned a yellow jumpsuit and with my katana blade slit the rat bastard from navel to nose (yes, I watched Kill Bill last night). Until I can do that, though (and the chances of that are likely to none) I know I am still an easier target than a man.
And that is a thought I absolutely hate.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
i didn't mean to turn you on
more proof that bad things happen when i'm not armed with my headphones-
while reading my book on the train this morning (feminist anthology no less), i noticed a stranger approaching out of the corner of my eye. i did the polite thing and lifted my bag onto my lap so that said stranger could sit on one of the adjacent seats.
stranger sat on the seat next to me.
a few seconds later i hear (in obvious come-on voice), "hey. you look familiar."
dismayed i quietly murmur, "hi." (i am shocked at how soft and gentle my voice sounds when uttering these words.) it's one of the rare moments when i don't have my headphones to act as a barrier that shields me from unwanted discussion. i silently curse myself for forgetting to charge my ipod. i look up to see who this dude is and am startled to see that this man has a severely burned face. still, he has the balls to talk to me when i am clearly occupied with reading my book.
the husky voice comes back with "do you live in highland park?"
"no."
"got a boyfriend?"
i nod yes, not even looking up this time.
some seconds later he walks away.
for a brief moment, i feel guilty for the brush off, wondering if i was too rude, but this feeling quickly fades into relief. it was relatively quick & painless. my anxiety level drops back to normal.
it's difficult for me to explain the degree to which i sincerely hate these types of exchanges. i feel pressured by and highly resentful of this interaction. i can't help but feel as though the pursuing males in question want ownership of me and my time, both of which they have no right to claim. there's a certain privilege inherent in it, you know? the feeling that "hey, i know you're busy with something else, but i'll just interrupt you anyway so that i can hit on you."
at the same time, i've always been taught to be nice and courteous, so although i never welcome this attention, i continue to struggle with brushing it off. i can't understand this. (why should i even care if a total stranger thinks i'm a bitch?) i've chalked it up to deeply ingrained social/cultural training. i also wonder if this particular socialization (to always behave politely) explains why i've often been misunderstood by both men and women. in high school i remember classmates describing me as "quiet" and "shy" or "happy" and "always smiling"-- words that i would never choose to describe myself.
i've heard guys say that they sometimes wish for the type of unsolicited attention women receive on the regular (via catcalls, scandalous glances, come-ons, etc.) or the comment that "you should enjoy it now because one day you'll miss that type of attention." my reply? yeah RIGHT. i don't enjoy being treated this way, continually being reminded that i'm just a sexual object on legs, a walking target for jackasses everywhere. you know, just another light-skinned girl with "good hair" or a vaguely asian, mysteriously exotic, racially ambiguous creature. and furthermore, i highly doubt that there will ever come a day when i long for this attention.
i can't even describe the recurring threat that this type of attention poses to my safety and well-being within my everyday life, or accurately articulate how each of these incidents builds up to an insane amount of frustration. no, i don't fear rape from every single man i meet on the street, but at the same time, i cannot feel safe when a walk last night was accompanied by several hoots and hollers and even a "hey baby" or 2 from men in a nearby car. i hate feeling that to a certain degree, as a small woman, i will always be helpless. i felt like a sitting duck, powerless to talk back to the catcalling men last night, because how could i back up my words with action if shit went down? two men in a car vs. my 5' frame on foot? i may be feisty, but i'm not stupid. last night, i briefly fantasized for the first time about getting a gun, thinking that it would be the one way i could consistently win against any number of male harassers. and i had always considered myself a pacifist! after a little more thought, i think i'll go the self-defense class route over the gun route (for now anyway).
back to this morning-
despite feeling as though the brushoff was successful, i still looked back over my shoulder periodically as i quickly made my way out of the train station and toward my workplace. my ipod is charging as i type to ensure that my headphones will give the silent brushoff if necessary tonight.
i look forward to the day when i'm strong enough to respond without having to hide behind my trusty headphones, and i know that day will come.
while reading my book on the train this morning (feminist anthology no less), i noticed a stranger approaching out of the corner of my eye. i did the polite thing and lifted my bag onto my lap so that said stranger could sit on one of the adjacent seats.
stranger sat on the seat next to me.
a few seconds later i hear (in obvious come-on voice), "hey. you look familiar."
dismayed i quietly murmur, "hi." (i am shocked at how soft and gentle my voice sounds when uttering these words.) it's one of the rare moments when i don't have my headphones to act as a barrier that shields me from unwanted discussion. i silently curse myself for forgetting to charge my ipod. i look up to see who this dude is and am startled to see that this man has a severely burned face. still, he has the balls to talk to me when i am clearly occupied with reading my book.
the husky voice comes back with "do you live in highland park?"
"no."
"got a boyfriend?"
i nod yes, not even looking up this time.
some seconds later he walks away.
for a brief moment, i feel guilty for the brush off, wondering if i was too rude, but this feeling quickly fades into relief. it was relatively quick & painless. my anxiety level drops back to normal.
it's difficult for me to explain the degree to which i sincerely hate these types of exchanges. i feel pressured by and highly resentful of this interaction. i can't help but feel as though the pursuing males in question want ownership of me and my time, both of which they have no right to claim. there's a certain privilege inherent in it, you know? the feeling that "hey, i know you're busy with something else, but i'll just interrupt you anyway so that i can hit on you."
at the same time, i've always been taught to be nice and courteous, so although i never welcome this attention, i continue to struggle with brushing it off. i can't understand this. (why should i even care if a total stranger thinks i'm a bitch?) i've chalked it up to deeply ingrained social/cultural training. i also wonder if this particular socialization (to always behave politely) explains why i've often been misunderstood by both men and women. in high school i remember classmates describing me as "quiet" and "shy" or "happy" and "always smiling"-- words that i would never choose to describe myself.
i've heard guys say that they sometimes wish for the type of unsolicited attention women receive on the regular (via catcalls, scandalous glances, come-ons, etc.) or the comment that "you should enjoy it now because one day you'll miss that type of attention." my reply? yeah RIGHT. i don't enjoy being treated this way, continually being reminded that i'm just a sexual object on legs, a walking target for jackasses everywhere. you know, just another light-skinned girl with "good hair" or a vaguely asian, mysteriously exotic, racially ambiguous creature. and furthermore, i highly doubt that there will ever come a day when i long for this attention.
i can't even describe the recurring threat that this type of attention poses to my safety and well-being within my everyday life, or accurately articulate how each of these incidents builds up to an insane amount of frustration. no, i don't fear rape from every single man i meet on the street, but at the same time, i cannot feel safe when a walk last night was accompanied by several hoots and hollers and even a "hey baby" or 2 from men in a nearby car. i hate feeling that to a certain degree, as a small woman, i will always be helpless. i felt like a sitting duck, powerless to talk back to the catcalling men last night, because how could i back up my words with action if shit went down? two men in a car vs. my 5' frame on foot? i may be feisty, but i'm not stupid. last night, i briefly fantasized for the first time about getting a gun, thinking that it would be the one way i could consistently win against any number of male harassers. and i had always considered myself a pacifist! after a little more thought, i think i'll go the self-defense class route over the gun route (for now anyway).
back to this morning-
despite feeling as though the brushoff was successful, i still looked back over my shoulder periodically as i quickly made my way out of the train station and toward my workplace. my ipod is charging as i type to ensure that my headphones will give the silent brushoff if necessary tonight.
i look forward to the day when i'm strong enough to respond without having to hide behind my trusty headphones, and i know that day will come.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Another gem (thanks again to BUST Magazine)
Ever heard of the Chubsters? They're a girl gang from the UK.
Check out the "donut hands" (gang sign) under the "chub life" section.
Check out the "donut hands" (gang sign) under the "chub life" section.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
JOIN THE FUN. you know you want to...
women, girls, ladies and broads, i know you're reading this...so why aren't you WRITING this?
this blog is only as good and as our entries. PLEASE PARTICIPATE!
if you check this blog regularly, or if your name is listed on the column to the left of this post...the time is now to start contributing. this blog wasn't created for just dolly and me to bounce ideas off each other- we do that already! our hope with wwm was to foster a new kind of community. we want to hear your experiences and opinions and know what's making the gears turn in your brains. we won't be able to do that if we're the only ones writing these posts. in the wise words of salt n pepa, "go ahead girls, express yourself!"
i know life gets crazy with work, school, and other commitments, but please just take 5 or 10 minutes from your daily myspace-browsing time and donate it to wwm. we invite you to join our motley crew of free-thinking femmes!
(hey, don't make me call you out individually, wink.)
this blog is only as good and as our entries. PLEASE PARTICIPATE!
if you check this blog regularly, or if your name is listed on the column to the left of this post...the time is now to start contributing. this blog wasn't created for just dolly and me to bounce ideas off each other- we do that already! our hope with wwm was to foster a new kind of community. we want to hear your experiences and opinions and know what's making the gears turn in your brains. we won't be able to do that if we're the only ones writing these posts. in the wise words of salt n pepa, "go ahead girls, express yourself!"
i know life gets crazy with work, school, and other commitments, but please just take 5 or 10 minutes from your daily myspace-browsing time and donate it to wwm. we invite you to join our motley crew of free-thinking femmes!
(hey, don't make me call you out individually, wink.)
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Overwhelmed. Too many things to plan. Tired.
I want to write a proper blog, but my brain hurts. I’ll list stuff instead...
a few things that excite me about getting married
night time cuddling
having someone who loves everything about you, including the good/bad/ugly
cooking plus one portions (love to cook)
being able to share annoying life tasks
being forced to work problems out and thus, enhancing my sense of self
learning more about my fiance
having a partner in crime
lazy sundays with the one you <3
ETC...Things occupying space in my head and burning a hole in my gut
$$$ issues
Moving, packing, landlords etc.
Obsessing over looks
feeling insecure
More $$$ issues
Thinking of leaving LA
Never having free time on the weekends! I used to visit my mom
Weekly…haven’t seen her in ages!
Planning wedding stuff (fun, but stressful)
Things to do before May 19
Get rings
Pick up my dress
Get Chris a tux
Pay travel agent
Pay for everything else
Buy a unity candle
Attend a ladies day out bach party
Talk w/reverend about ceremony
Talk with Madonna inn coordinator to finalize details
Get beautified
Buy a guest book
Assemble place card thingies
Meet w/hair & make-up chica
Get shoes dyed
Get a haircut
Move to my mom’s then
Move into Chris’ pad
Have rehearsal
Go to Oregon to see friends and scope it out
Things I’d like to have one day
Ability to look back @ a long/happy marriage
Kids
A degree
A new VW bug
A walk-in closet
Debt free living
General contentment
more, but...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)