i didn't mean to turn you on

more proof that bad things happen when i'm not armed with my headphones-

while reading my book on the train this morning (feminist anthology no less), i noticed a stranger approaching out of the corner of my eye. i did the polite thing and lifted my bag onto my lap so that said stranger could sit on one of the adjacent seats.

stranger sat on the seat next to me.

a few seconds later i hear (in obvious come-on voice), "hey. you look familiar."
dismayed i quietly murmur, "hi." (i am shocked at how soft and gentle my voice sounds when uttering these words.) it's one of the rare moments when i don't have my headphones to act as a barrier that shields me from unwanted discussion. i silently curse myself for forgetting to charge my ipod. i look up to see who this dude is and am startled to see that this man has a severely burned face. still, he has the balls to talk to me when i am clearly occupied with reading my book.
the husky voice comes back with "do you live in highland park?"
"no."
"got a boyfriend?"
i nod yes, not even looking up this time.
some seconds later he walks away.

for a brief moment, i feel guilty for the brush off, wondering if i was too rude, but this feeling quickly fades into relief. it was relatively quick & painless. my anxiety level drops back to normal.

it's difficult for me to explain the degree to which i sincerely hate these types of exchanges. i feel pressured by and highly resentful of this interaction. i can't help but feel as though the pursuing males in question want ownership of me and my time, both of which they have no right to claim. there's a certain privilege inherent in it, you know? the feeling that "hey, i know you're busy with something else, but i'll just interrupt you anyway so that i can hit on you."

at the same time, i've always been taught to be nice and courteous, so although i never welcome this attention, i continue to struggle with brushing it off. i can't understand this. (why should i even care if a total stranger thinks i'm a bitch?) i've chalked it up to deeply ingrained social/cultural training. i also wonder if this particular socialization (to always behave politely) explains why i've often been misunderstood by both men and women. in high school i remember classmates describing me as "quiet" and "shy" or "happy" and "always smiling"-- words that i would never choose to describe myself.

i've heard guys say that they sometimes wish for the type of unsolicited attention women receive on the regular (via catcalls, scandalous glances, come-ons, etc.) or the comment that "you should enjoy it now because one day you'll miss that type of attention." my reply? yeah RIGHT. i don't enjoy being treated this way, continually being reminded that i'm just a sexual object on legs, a walking target for jackasses everywhere. you know, just another light-skinned girl with "good hair" or a vaguely asian, mysteriously exotic, racially ambiguous creature. and furthermore, i highly doubt that there will ever come a day when i long for this attention.

i can't even describe the recurring threat that this type of attention poses to my safety and well-being within my everyday life, or accurately articulate how each of these incidents builds up to an insane amount of frustration. no, i don't fear rape from every single man i meet on the street, but at the same time, i cannot feel safe when a walk last night was accompanied by several hoots and hollers and even a "hey baby" or 2 from men in a nearby car. i hate feeling that to a certain degree, as a small woman, i will always be helpless. i felt like a sitting duck, powerless to talk back to the catcalling men last night, because how could i back up my words with action if shit went down? two men in a car vs. my 5' frame on foot? i may be feisty, but i'm not stupid. last night, i briefly fantasized for the first time about getting a gun, thinking that it would be the one way i could consistently win against any number of male harassers. and i had always considered myself a pacifist! after a little more thought, i think i'll go the self-defense class route over the gun route (for now anyway).

back to this morning-
despite feeling as though the brushoff was successful, i still looked back over my shoulder periodically as i quickly made my way out of the train station and toward my workplace. my ipod is charging as i type to ensure that my headphones will give the silent brushoff if necessary tonight.

i look forward to the day when i'm strong enough to respond without having to hide behind my trusty headphones, and i know that day will come.

Another gem (thanks again to BUST Magazine)

Ever heard of the Chubsters? They're a girl gang from the UK.
Check out the "donut hands" (gang sign) under the "chub life" section.

http://www.chubstergang.com/index.htm

awesomeness

i found out about this amazingness from bust mag:

http://sprockettes.org/sprockettes/about.html

JOIN THE FUN. you know you want to...

women, girls, ladies and broads, i know you're reading this...so why aren't you WRITING this?

this blog is only as good and as our entries. PLEASE PARTICIPATE!

if you check this blog regularly, or if your name is listed on the column to the left of this post...the time is now to start contributing. this blog wasn't created for just dolly and me to bounce ideas off each other- we do that already! our hope with wwm was to foster a new kind of community. we want to hear your experiences and opinions and know what's making the gears turn in your brains. we won't be able to do that if we're the only ones writing these posts. in the wise words of salt n pepa, "go ahead girls, express yourself!"

i know life gets crazy with work, school, and other commitments, but please just take 5 or 10 minutes from your daily myspace-browsing time and donate it to wwm. we invite you to join our motley crew of free-thinking femmes!

(hey, don't make me call you out individually, wink.)

Overwhelmed. Too many things to plan. Tired.

I want to write a proper blog, but my brain hurts. I’ll list stuff instead...

a few things that excite me about getting married
night time cuddling
having someone who loves everything about you, including the good/bad/ugly
cooking plus one portions (love to cook)
being able to share annoying life tasks
being forced to work problems out and thus, enhancing my sense of self
learning more about my fiance
having a partner in crime
lazy sundays with the one you <3
ETC...

Things occupying space in my head and burning a hole in my gut
$$$ issues
Moving, packing, landlords etc.
Obsessing over looks
feeling insecure
More $$$ issues
Thinking of leaving LA
Never having free time on the weekends! I used to visit my mom
Weekly…haven’t seen her in ages!
Planning wedding stuff (fun, but stressful)

Things to do before May 19
Get rings
Pick up my dress
Get Chris a tux
Pay travel agent
Pay for everything else
Buy a unity candle
Attend a ladies day out bach party
Talk w/reverend about ceremony
Talk with Madonna inn coordinator to finalize details
Get beautified
Buy a guest book
Assemble place card thingies
Meet w/hair & make-up chica
Get shoes dyed
Get a haircut
Move to my mom’s then
Move into Chris’ pad
Have rehearsal
Go to Oregon to see friends and scope it out

Things I’d like to have one day
Ability to look back @ a long/happy marriage
Kids
A degree
A new VW bug
A walk-in closet
Debt free living
General contentment

more, but...

from wikipedia

Female emancipation

Woman with bicycle, 1890s

The diamond-frame safety bicycle gave women unprecedented mobility, contributing to their emancipation in Western nations. As bicycles became safer and cheaper, more women had access to the personal freedom they embodied, and so the bicycle came to symbolise the New Woman of the late nineteenth century, especially in Britain and the United States.

The bicycle was recognised by nineteenth-century feminists and suffragists as a "freedom machine" for women. American Susan B. Anthony said in a New York World interview on February 2, 1896: "Let me tell you what I think of bicycling. I think it has done more to emancipate women than anything else in the world. It gives women a feeling of freedom and self-reliance. I stand and rejoice every time I see a woman ride by on a wheel...the picture of free, untrammelled womanhood." In 1895 Frances Willard, the tightly-laced president of the Women's Christian Temperance Union, wrote a book called How I Learned to Ride the Bicycle, in which she praised the bicycle she learned to ride late in life, and which she named "Gladys", for its "gladdening effect" on her health and political optimism. Willard used a cycling metaphor to urge other suffragists to action, proclaiming, "I would not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum."

The male anger at the freedom symbolised by the New (bicycling) Woman was demonstrated when the male undergraduates of Cambridge University chose to show their opposition to the admission of women as full members of the university by hanging a woman in effigy in the main town square -- tellingly, a woman on a bicycle. This was as late as 1897.^[11]

In the 1890s the bicycle craze led to a movement for so-called rational dress, which helped liberate women from corsets and ankle-length skirts and other restrictive garments, substituting the then-shocking bloomers.

W.W.K.M.D.?

I hate that at the semi-young age of 27, I can look around at society today and ask, “Where did the good ole days go?” It seems that in the short span of 10+ years (the time I’ve spent working for the man) America’s economic system has gotten progressively worse. Okay, my worldviews have never resided in a rose-colored bubble; I’ve always known that the divide between the rich and the average Joe/Joanne is chasm like and depressing. But in my jaded eyes, and considering that you want to own a home and start a family, our ability to breathe the refreshing air of financial freedom isn’t even a possibility if you make under $50,000 in L.A. today!

I have a decent job with okay wages, but it only ever amounts to enough…paycheck to paycheck. When I receive a raise, all of my other expenses are “coincidentally” raised as well; over a few years, my rent has went up $125 and my health care usually soaks up the 50 cent raise I get every other year. These rising costs level my fiscal playing field so that at the end of the day, my money meter points to zero or negative sums.

I should be content in the fact that I have healthcare when so many others don’t, and when I pull up past images of the Katrina relief debacle I should sleep easier, right? I do have it good, right? Why don’t I feel right?

I’m not a coin-operated machine, nor am I one who gets high off sniffing dollar bills. Money making/greed isn’t the essence of my rant. What I strive for is a comfortable quality of life. I’m happy for what God has blessed me with, but at the end of the day when I come home to endless bills, despite my thriftiness & budgeting, I have to reach for my old pal Visa to keep me moving.

Anyway, I’m getting married soon, and my fiancé proposed the idea of moving out of L.A. so that we can actually have tangible assets to look back upon; although CA has been my home since birth, that option doesn't seem so shabby. I want to own a home and have a family, but I hate that the compromise for attaining those things is moving away from my home and family. Irony sucks, eh?

Why such a divide between those who live with ease, and those who live with debt? What would bell hooks say...What would Karl Marx do? We'll see what happens I guess...

$%#*!

I JUST DON'T GET IT!

despite (or maybe because of?) my ambivalence towards marriage in my own life, the engagement of my boyfriend's good friend (to his girlfriend of a year) is bringing up some odd and unexpected mixed feelings.

i am all for the presence of marriage in the lives of my friends who want to get married; however, in the last few years i've experienced an inner backlash against it in my own.

a few ideas that i've been pondering:
-in this country, marriage is clearly an institution of privilege reserved only for heterosexuals. i don't want to support that.
-sometimes the idea of being so completely committed to one person, ready to "stand by your man" no matter what, sounds like a terrifying trap.
-with divorce so frequent, what does marriage really mean? why choose marriage over long-term cohabitation? in the worst case scenario, isn't it better to live together and break up than get married and divorced? (i was born "out of wedlock." what impacted me 100x more than my parents being unmarried was the idea that they weren't together and the absence of my dad.)

my general attitude is, if it happens, it happens. i'm not going to live my life in mad pursuit of a husband. i'd like to live a happy and well-rounded life with love and family as integral components, but i don't want marriage and children to be my ultimate goals. (where do you go from there?)

so back to the matter at hand...why all the weirdness? whenever i receive news of an engagement (e.g. good friends or family members), my usual response is extreme happiness and sincere excitement for the couple's bright future together. maybe it's messed up, but this time, i didn't feel that way. i saw it coming, so i wasn't surprised. i think they will be happy together, and i'm happy for them (despite the past minor conflicts i've had with the bride-to-be), but i guess somehow the announcement raised some buried feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. i began having thoughts like, "how did he know in only a year when ----- and i have been dating for a few...what does that say about me?" or "will ----- ever propose?" etc. you know what i mean, right? WEIRD! especially for someone so decidedly not interested in marriage right now.

is it time to confront the jealous 15 year-old girl within? (why won't she leave me alone already?) or do i unconsciously aspire to an age-old tradition without even realizing it? despite my clear objections to certain aspects of the institution, am i still secretly "wedded" to the idea of marriage or what? sigh.

Getting women's voices out there

In this NY Times article, a discussion of the effort to put more women's voices in op-ed pages. It reminded me of the great forum we have here.

Warm-fuzzies!

Straight Outta East Los

So, I was in the break-room during lunch, pouring over the endless array of gag-worthy mag choices like town and country/ Talbot's, when I chanced upon the March issue of Tu Ciudad L.A.
They featured an article on the comedic and satirical sagacity of a fictional chola, so of course, I immediately hauled a** to my desk to check out her sites http://www.myspace.com/askachola
and http://www.askachola.com/

Dang! I wasn't sorry. FUNNY SH*T! I thoroughly enjoy this project askachola has going on, and I hope you will too. ** hint, hint **
So anyhoo, what I'm trying to say is that you should put a jet pack on your buns & visit her page, or I'm pretty sure that she'll cut you.

Good Friends

Have you ever had a good friend in your life? No. Scratch that. Have you ever had a great friend in your life? She influenced you, listened to you, made you laugh, but most of all, loved you? Real unconditional love? Some of us are lucky to have a friend like that.
I've been thinking a lot about my friend. I've known her for many, many years. We've gone through a lot together. She is my sister. Well, not biologically, anyway. She's my friend-sister. Yeah!
I wanted to be just like my friend B. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to be my friend--I've always liked me--I just wanted to be a better version of me and she had some of the characteristics that I wanted.

This girl could talk to anyone. She'd make friends in a gas station. I loved that. I wanted to be that outgoing and trusting of people. She's no pushover, though. I saw the way people reacted to her humor and friendliness. I wanted that reaction, too. People were (and still are) so drawn to her. I used to think "What is it she does that makes people react the way they do?" So, I decided to "steal" that characteristic from her. :)
You would not believe how people react when you are nice to them. If I meet someone in a bad mood, I always try to be nice to them. If you're friendly to people you'll always get a smile from them. Try it! I learned this from my friend. She could make the grouchiest old man smile. I've seen it!

Once, we were both auditioning for the same part (a voice over) on a TV show a long time ago. The producer brought all of us into an office. B saw the furniture and said ,"Look! It's a casting couch!" I busted up laughing. The producer didn't know quite how to react to that. The look on his face was priceless! I don't remember what he said, but he was quite shocked. This is the kind of thing she'd do; she wasn't afraid of saying anything to anyone.

Oh, can this girl keep a secret!!! She's got other people's secrets locked up inside, I've been trying to get out of her for 20 years! From her, I've learned how to keep a promise. Now, when people tell me things, it stays with me.

What I'm trying to say is you can learn so much from your friends. I took what I thought was the best part of her personality and made it my own. The thing I wanted most to be was kind, funny, outgoing, and not afraid to talk to people. I learned how to do that from my friend. I thank B and love her a lot.

Hug your friend. She's precious.

Oh, and my friend got the part.

WACK! art & the feminist revolution

for all the LA-area ladiez:

moca has this amazing new exhibit about art + feminism, and it's opening this weekend! (right about now i really wish i was a moca member so that i could attend the members' opening event tomorrow...aw.)

http://www.moca.org/wack/

i can't wait to see it. i'm gonna plan to attend the walkthroughs on sunday.
(i'm so exciiiiiiiited!)

Year 27 & 28

I went to a 30th birthday party tonight and asked the birthday girl if she felt any wiser. I personally think that as Aaliyah once sang, "age ain't nothin but a number." But I was curious to see what the birthday girl thought. She said it was no biggie and that she didn't feel any older or wiser. She said 27 and 28 are the years that are the toughest where you grow a stomach pouch and your bootie grows. After that you get comfortable with your body and learn to exercise to stay in shape. I said, "Great! This is my year! for growth" So, as I anticipate my butt and my bellie to grow this year, I will continue eating as much as I want. Might as well enjoy while I can! So, I celebrated the rest of the evening by eating 2 cupcakes. Damn they were good.

the origins of "feminazi"

it appears that the source of this word's popularity is RUSH LIMBAUGH!!! (yuck!)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminazi

lately he's also been going around calling mixed folks of african descent, like me, halle berry, and barack obama HALFRICANS. what an ass! he certainly seems to enjoy trying to define other people's identities. he uses stupid labels in a lame attempt to dismiss and discredit important ideas and experiences. gee, he sure must feel threatened! how sad. ;)

but seriously, words like "feminazi" continue to perpetuate harmful stereotypes about feminists and assertive women in general. that's why i felt it was important to find out more about its origins and usage and am posting this info here!

on ownership of the term

i'm often disappointed by the hesitancy of many women to embrace the term "feminist." sometimes it's almost as if the term is as powerful as a scarlet letter, in effect labeling an individual undesirable in our society.

why is this the case?
why do so many strong and intelligent women shy away from this term?

having been born and bred in the US, i feel that feminism is still very misunderstood among the (north) american public-at-large. i myself will admit to only relatively recently growing into the term, due mostly to my reluctance to prematurely identify with a movement i knew so little about. (i'm still in the learning process and most of my current knowledge comes from books and friends.) i always knew that i was curious about it and wanted to learn more, and the more bell hooks i read, the more i see how clearly my personal values are naturally aligned with feminist thought.

i love that feminism is still a controversial topic today because this forces people to adopt a "come strong or not at all" attitude. i've never seen/known a half-assed feminist. the term conjures up images of radicalism, non-conformity, activism, pride, fierce independence, and of course women's historic struggles for equality, all of which i embrace whole-heartedly. what i don't embrace is the pervasive misconception that feminism is all about man-hating. (what a sexist and completely male-centered notion!) as one of the wwm contributors (da) mentioned in her intro, there are many flavors of feminism. the one constant thread is that it's a movement centered around opposing sexism in all its forms. this means recognizing and challenging the gendered conceptions and systems we've been conditioned to buy into, as well as understanding and opposing the sexism perpetuated by both males and females that we encounter on a daily basis.

i think we should compile a list of the biggest misconceptions about feminists/feminism...anyone have suggestions for this?

one of the top misconceptions has got to be that feminist women in heterosexual relationships cannot/should not enjoy being treated by men on dates. my response: as two equals, i feel that my date and myself should both demonstrate a certain level of respect and enjoy mutual admiration, which sometimes results in being treated on dates. what, are feminists supposed to avoid fun at all costs? c'mon! gimme a damn break.

ode to denim

O! fave jeans, you have passed
gone to that place where denim goes to die
leaving me aghast
for I killed you with my humungo thigh
I tried to hold on; I sewed you, I stitched
you couldn't contain me, you ripped and I bitched
but not to worry, for my very concerned mom
saved my day, with zafu.com !!!


seriouly though, good jeans are sooooooooo hard to come by! i'm short/chubby, so i can never find my right size! sorry to make the following statement, but oprah was right...she suggested that when you find a good pair of jeans, buy @ least 2 pair! o oprah, that Stedman is one lucky mofo to have the infinitely wise you...

2 Things I Hate

There are 2 things I really hate 1) SUV's 2) Men that drive SUV's. I was on the 10 driving to Alhambra when I merged into a lane just at the same time as another guy. Now, most people would probably recognize that it was bad timing on behalf of both people but this asshole thought it was my fault and decided he would ride my ass in his brand new truck. When he got the opportunity he cut over two lanes and then cut back to get in front of me and of course he slammed on his breaks. How predictable! So after getting very close to rear ending him I decided to not play that game and stayed way back just to further piss him off. Ahhh it put me in such a crappy mood that yet another SUV with some dude in his big truck and his masculinity (or lack of) went out of his way to be an ass. Why is this shit necessary? And at the end of the day do assholes like him feel better about themselves?

"a girl like me"

hey, CONTRIBUTORS!

hey ladies, we've switched over to the new version of blogger which unfortunately means that in order to post, you will have to switch over to the new blogger too. (if you look to your left, you'll see that some contributor names have disappeared for this reason.)

it's quick and easy to switch, but just kind of annoying.
1) log into your "old blogger" account at blogger.com/start
2) under the heading "Your new version of Blogger is ready!" click on "Switch to the new version" and follow the instructions.
3) once you switch, you'll start signing in using the "new blogger" link (at blogger.com/start)

we apologize for these technical difficulties...please email us at womenswrites@gmail.com if you have any questions or problems relating to this whole stinky process!

(this is an enhanced re-post for anyone who missed it the first time)

gloria steinem article

it's about presidential candidates, and it's here.