Meeting the Mum

In less than a week, my parents and brother are coming to Japan to visit me during our summer holiday. Words cannot express how excited I am - it will be the first time I've seen them since they bid me goodbye at the airport last January. I have reorganized my apartment-tini so that it will look super kawaii and am busily grilling my students for recs on where to take them (not that I don't have any ideas of my own after 7 months, but I'm always on the lookout for something new and cool). When my students and fellow staff members ask if I have any plans for the summer holiday, I am quick to tell them that my family is coming - my family is coming!

And yet, despite the glee, I feel twinges of panic. Said twinges swell up in tiny bubbles, cutting through my euphoria, threatening to burst when I think of the fact that not only are my folks coming to town next week, but so are my boyfriend's mother and brother. Thus, for the first time ever in my life, I will be meeting the mom. Or meeting the mum, rather - my boyfriend is from Ireland.

I met my boyfriend on my second day in Japan. He was my tall, adorable, unintelligible downstairs neighbor and we became fast friends. Within the next couple of months, romance bloomed and we are now about to hit the 5-month mark. For some reason, we are still in the 'honeymoon phase' of things and things are quite, quite excellent. This is my second 'serious' relationship - my first was quite some years ago, in college, and as my ex is Indian, he was careful to keep me as far away from his parents as possible. To be sure, I spent quite a bit of time with his very cool siblings, cousins and friends but, as he explained to me, Indian parents and children keep things such as relationships private unless a wedding is imminent. In the years between my ex and my current boyfriend, there were no relationships beyond flings - which is how I have gotten to the age of 27 without ever having met the parents.

27 and no parents met! Some might think this a most glorious state of being - from many accounts, parents can often upset a happy couple with prying, strict moral values, mewling about grand children/marriage and all around personality conflicts. I used to joke with my ex that I didn't mind never having met his parents - "Who needs the stress?" I would tease - even if I really longed to meet the people responsible for the quirky, grumpy Anish and was secretly hurt that, the one time he took me to his home town, he craned his neck at every intersection to make sure no one his parents knew saw us together. After we broke up during my Senior year of college, knowing that no parents would despise me was a comfort, even if I did worry about what his brother and sister and friends thought. For five years there were no boyfriends or parents in sight. And now, unexpectedly, my time has come.

Colm assures me that I have nothing to worry about. His mum isn't like crazy American moms, don't I know, like? She doesn't have anything out for her darling b'hoy's girlfriend. I'm sure he's right - the photos he's showed me reveal a darling looking woman whose gentle smile seems incapable of morphing into an anti-American girlfriend sneer. And quite honestly, I am really excited to meet Colm's mum and little brother. From what he's told me, they sound delightful and, of course, I want to meet anyone connected with him. I have a quiet dream of telling Ms. O'Doyle that she raised her son right and look forward to catching similar twinkles in their eyes over the cuppas of Barry's tea we might share in his apartment. Yet, I can't help but worry. Will she find my American way flat and uncharming? Will she look at my pimply skin and be unimpressed? Will she secretly think I am stocky or that I look strange next to her 6 foot tall son? Will she, like many others, be annoyed by my less-than-gentle world view and sarcasm? Most of all, will she think I am an aging woman ruthlessly enjoying a b'hoy toy? Neither Colm or I have mentioned to our parents that we're four years apart in age - with me his senior but I'm sure both sets of relatives will figure it out at some point during their visits. Not that it's something either of us are ashamed of - especially not Colm. For my part, I do worry about how we will be perceived, and any issues the age difference could stir up later on. But that's another story.

Tonight, I chatted with my brother over IM. In the past 11 years, my brother has been in four serious relationships and has successfully become part of his girlfriends' families each time. I asked him, "Diego? What are your best tips for meeting the mom?"

"Don't you mean 'the mum'? She's Irish, isn't she?"

"My bad."

"You want tips?"

"Yes," I tope, adding, "Colm isn't nervous at all about meeting you, ma, or dad. I really envy his calm."

"You shouldn't be nervous, either." said Diego. "You want tips? S***, just don't say anything stupid."

"That helps," I told my eternally charming brother.

"Ha ha, just kidding." he said. "Just talk like you'd normally talk. And smile. And act like you actually care about whatever stupid s*** they're talking about. Smile and nod."

"Well, I do care what Ms. O'Doyle has to say," I typed, slightly wounded.

"And you can knock off that kiss-a** act," Diego said.

Talk like I normally talk ... what kind of advice is that? Talking the way I normally talk has done nothing but get me in trouble ever since Catholic school. Smile and nod? She'll think I'm a ventriloquist's dummy! And then another thought troubles me even further: at 27, am I really still so insecure? I tell myself it's only because it's my first time. Everyone knows about the first time!

In the past, my friends have met their significant others' parents and fretted. "What will I wear? Will my boyfriend like my crazy family?" they asked me.

"Of course he will!" I always said. "And they'll all love you, too! How could they not!" Because I love my friends, I couldn't imagine how I could be wrong about this. How could they - wonderful, smart, beautiful - worry about what parents would think of them? Similarly, I can't imagine that my parents wouldn't like Colm. He's handsome, quiet, intelligent, and respectful. He has a good job, loves classical music and eats everything set in front of him (a big plus in my Italian parents' book). Already, my father has shown more interest in him than he ever showed in Anish and once my mother hears Colm talking in that seductive, Irish purr of his I imagine I'll have to pry her off of him.

I just wish I had the same calm about myself.

What will I wear, come to think of it? Something tells me that my fishnet stockings and red leather basque are the wrong choice.

I put the question to you. How did you win over your men's moms?

A WOMAN'S STORY ABOUT CERVICAL CANCER-SARAH K

I RECENTLY READ THIS STORY OUT OF A TEXAS NEWSPAPER AND IT DEEPLY TOUCHED ME.  AS SOMEONE WHO ADVOCATES FOR WOMEN'S RIGHTS, I UNDERSTAND THE BATTLE FOR THE VACCINE FOR THE HUMAN PAPILLOMAVIRUS.  IT IS CRITICAL TO WOMEN'S HEALTH AND YOUNG GIRL'S HEALTH.

HEATHER BURCHAM WAS ONLY 31 YEARS OLD WHEN SHE DIED OF CERVICAL CANCER.  SHE SPEND THE LAST FOUR YEARS OF HER LIFE IN PAIN DUE TO THE DISEASE.  THROUGHOUT HER BATTLE OF THE DISEASE SHE SPOKE OUT STRONGLY FOR A NEW VACCINE THAT WOULD PROTECT WOMEN FROM MOST COMMON FORMS OF THE HUMAN PAPILLOMAVIRUS.  IT CAUSES CLOSE TO 70% OF ALL CERVICAL CANCER CASES.

SHE WAS VERY SUPPORTIVE OF GOVERNOR RICK PERRY WHEN HE MANDATED THAT ALL GIRLS ENTERING SIXTH GRADE IN TEXAS WOULD BE GIVEN THE GARDASIL VACCINE AS PART OF THEIR BACK-TO-SCHOOL IMMUNIZATIONS.  THE GARDASIL VACCINE PROTECTS AGAINST THE HUMAN PAPILLOMAVIRUS WHICH CAUSES CERVICAL CANCER.  BURCHAM WAS SUPPORTIVE AND ONLY WANTED TO PROTECT OUR DAUGHTERS FROM CERVICAL CANCER. 

UNFORTUNATELY, LAWMAKERS OVERTURNED THE GOVERNORS MANDATE.  THERE WAS CONCERN THAT THE VACCINE WOULD ENCOURAGE GIRLS TO BECOME SEXUALLY ACTIVE.  GARDASIL NEEDS TO BE ADMINISTERED BEFORE GIRLS BECOME SEXUALLY ACTIVE.  THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF POLITICS INTERVENING IN A MATTER THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT TO THE GOVERNOR.  THE VACCINE CAN SAVE LIVES.  AT THE END OF THE DAY, THAT SHOULD BE THE BOTTOM LINE. 

PARENTS CAN TAKE THE INITIATIVE AND HAVE THEIR GIRLS RECEIVE THE THREE DOSE VACCINE OF GARDASIL.  EVERY PARENT SHOULD WANT TO PROTECT THEIR DAUGHTER FROM GETTING CERVICAL CANCER.

HEATHER BURCHAM SAID "IF I COULD HELP ONE CHILD, TAKE THIS CANCER AWAY FROM ONE CHILD, IT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO ME."

THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL AND PREVENTION ESTIMATE THAT ONE IN FOUR AMERICAN WOMEN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 14-59 IS INFECTED WITH THE SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED HUMAN HUMAN PAPILLOMAVIRUS, AND MOST DON'T KNOW IT.  IT OFTEN TURNS INTO CERVICAL CANCER.

CERVICAL CANCER KILLS 10 AMERICAN WOMEN A DAY.

PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTERS AGAINST THIS KILLER CANCER FOR HEATHER BURCHAM AND ALL THE OTHERS WHO DIED OF CERVICAL CANCER. 

heh!

Today's work attire: jeans, a tee, flip-flops, and long, dangly earrings.

Why? Because if FT employment won’t allow me to be at the beach, then I’m going to @ least dress, and pretend, like I’m there!

Ha!

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND HOMELESS LINK-SARAH

Domestic Violence/Housing

            There is a link between domestic violence and homelessness in America.  Women who decide to leave their abusive partners have little economic resources. Economics is one of the main reasons women stay in an abusive relationships.  Women that leave become low-income mothers.  They are subjected to finding low-income housing that unusually does not exist.  Most places have waiting list.  The federal programs to assist women who are low income for housing have waiting list for up to 2 years.  What is worse is that women are subjected to a zero tolerance for family members who commit crimes.  So if a husband batters his wife she must also leave the premise.  Therefore, the innocent victim of violence is homeless or sent to a domestic violence shelter if room is available.  This law has recently changed. 
            Some women are able to gain some independence through the Welfare System.  Women do face challenges within the system.  In 1996, The Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996 “mandated that women be employed with 24 months of initial enrollment in welfare and place a 5 year time limit on a woman’s ability to receive.”  This was impossible for women to complete.  This was a hinder to woman.  Abusive partners saw this as a way for a woman to gain control in her life.  Often, abusive partners would return and batter their partner again. Also, the welfare system did not allow enough time for victims of domestic violence to regain control of their life.  (Baker, 758)

            Today, many states have adopted the Family Violence Option.  “It allows states to temporary waive time limits and work requirements for women who self-disclose domestic violence.” (Baker, 758)  The problem with the act is its implementation. Caseworkers at the Welfare Office are not trained properly.  Some caseworkers are resentful of the law because it gives them a larger workload.   Changes in the implementation and the attitudes of caseworkers will allow domestic violence victims gain economic security.

            The National Law Center on Homelessness and Poverty in 2005 stated that 50% were homeless as a result of domestic violence.  It stated in the survey that 92% of the women who were homeless experienced some form of domestic violence or sexual assault.  The study states 63% of adults have experienced domestic violence as an adult. (National Law Center, 1)

What I Like ....

... is the sight of my boyfriend cooking me dinner when I come visit him after a long day of work.

... ahhhhh .....

FEMALE ELECTED IN INDIA BY SARAH K

IT IS VICTORY FOR WOMEN'S RIGHTS IN INDIA TODAY.  THIS COULD MEAN A END TO THE LONG COMMITTMENT TO DISCRIMINATION TO INDIAN WOMEN.  THIS IS VERY EXICITING NEWS. 

INDIA ELECT PRATIBHA PATIL IS THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT OF THE COUNTRY.  PATIL RECEIVED 65.82% OF THE VOTES CASTED BY THE NATIONAL LAWMAKERS AND STATE LEGISLATORS, AND ELECTION COMMISSION HEAD P.D.T. ACHARY.  SHE HAD BEEN EXPECTED TO WIN.

PATIL STATED "I AM GRATEFUL TO THE PEOPLE OF INDIA, TO ALL THE MEN AND WOMEN OF INDIA.  THIS IS A VICTORY OF THE PRINCIPLES OF WHICH OUR INDIAN PEOPLE UPHOLD". 

HUNDREDS OF CONGRESS SUPPORTERS DANCED IN THE STREETS AS A RESULT OF THE THE ELECTION.  PEOPLE WERE BANGING DRUMS AND SETTING OFF FIREWORKS. 

SHE WILL BE SWORN INTO A 5 YEAR TERM ON JULY 25, 2007.

THE ELECTION OF THE FIRST FEMALE COULD LEAD TO WOMEN'S RIGHT'S BEING ENFORCED.  THE SOCIETY OF INDIA MUST COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THE WOMEN ARE EQUALS IN SOCIETY.  WOMEN HAVE BEEN TREATED SO POORLY IN INDIA THAT IT WILL TAKE A WHILE FOR SOCIETY TO CHANGE. 

dressing for success (or, the converse-wearing executive director)

on the my first day of work at my current job, my male supervisor suggested that i "dress to the level i want to be promoted to," meaning that if i'd like to be executive director one day, i should start donning the clothes of a would-be director right now. while i appreciated his input (he was genuinely trying to help), this advice absolutely horrified me. to dress in that way would be so counterintuitive for me in more ways than one.

i admittedly have a big problem dressing "like a grown up." i tend to like to think that clothes don't matter much in my life, yet i firmly believe i would work happier and more effectively if wearing clothes that i feel comfortable wearing. i wonder what impact this thinking has had/will have on my career.

looking back, my attitude toward clothing has shifted with the passage of time. as a child of the eighties, i looked to pop culture rather than my elementary school teaching mom for fashion inspiration. i expected to spend my grown up years wearing tight minidresses and heels on a daily basis and was somewhat excited about that prospect.

now fast forward ten years to high school, when i was a thrift store-shopping bargain hunter with a passion for funky old finds. although i wore a uniform to my all-girl catholic high school, i had a penchant for fifties and sixties dresses which i seemingly had no occasion to wear. (my friends and i would wear these to rock shows around L.A. or alcohol-free parties at our parents' homes.) at that tender age, it was important for my clothes to proclaim to the world that i was an individual and not a cookie-cutter clone.

ten years later, i find myself feeling indifferent when it comes to fashion. i have little to no interest in fashion trends and don't really read mainstream women's magazines, so i don't know what's supposedly in or out, nor do i particularly care. yeah, i still like cute clothes, but i also still feel foolish spending more than $30 on any one item. (plus, there are more important things happening in the world, and thus, more important things to spend money on. funds would be put to better use on responsible philanthropy than a $500 purse!) i feel that my clothes are one part of my identity that gives people clues to who i am, but there are loads of other ways to find out, like, say, talking to me. furthermore, i'm getting less and less inclined to care about strangers getting to know me through my damn clothes. (if someone wants to be my friend, they've got to like a lot more about me than whatever piece of fabric i decide to throw on that day!)

still, getting back to the original thought-- whether i like it or not, i must acknowledge that the clothes i wear send a message, especially in my professional life. naomi wolf's beauty myth mentions studies illustrating the fact that women who wore power suits or professional uniforms to work tended to be taken more seriously than those who didn't. my big problem is accepting that fact. are work dress codes a necessary evil of professional life? i am responsible, capable and qualified, so why can't i be taken seriously wearing jeans and a pair of converse to work? why can't our society move PAST clothing and other aspects of our appearance to seek out the substance beneath them?! until we do, we'll always be forced to conform to superficial standards. as a nonconformist, i just can't help feeling confined by dress codes. still, i comply whenever necessary, despite the nagging feeling that i'm "faking it" all workday long.

i have been wanting to write about my relationship with my clothes for a while, so thanks to noelle for reminding me! this is my first stab at getting some of these thoughts down, and i hope to expand on this more later.

what's your relationship with your clothes like?

INDIA WIDOWS SHUNNED BY SOCIETY, PART 2 : SARAH

INDIA WIDOW'S FLEE TO THE HOLY CITY OF VINDRAVAN CITY BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO PLACE TO GO.  MOST FLEE THEIR HOMES BECAUSE THEIR AFRAID OF BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED OR PHYSICALLY ABUSED BY OTHER MEN. WIDOW'S OF INDIA ARE VIEWED AS PROPERTY TO THEIR HUSBANDS.  WHEN THEIR HUSBANDS DIE THEY HAVE NO VALUE. 

AGE DOES NOT MATTER TO THE STATUS OF THE WIDOW.  IN MY RESEARCH I FOUND A GIRL THAT WAS MARRIED AT AGE 8.  HER HUSBAND WAS 33. SHE BECAME A WIDOW AT AGE 23.  SINCE AGE 23 SHE HAS BEEN AT THE CITY OF VINDRAVAN.  SHE WAS EVICTED FROM HER HOME BECAUSE WIDOW'S DO NOT HAVE PROPERTY RIGHTS.  JUST IMAGINE AT THE AGE OF 23 HAVING NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

THE INDIA SOCIETY IS VERY CRUEL TO THE WIDOW'S OF THEIR COUNTRY.  IT IS LIKE THEY DO NOT EXIST.  THE GOVERNMENT LOOKS AT MERE PRESENCE OF A WIDOW AS BAD LUCK.  WIDOW'S ARE FORCED TO HAVE THEIR HEADS SHAVED.  ALL THEIR JEWERLY IS TAKEN AWAY FROM THEM AND THEY MUST WEAR WHITE GARMENTS. 

IT IS ESTIMATED THAT 40 MILLION WIDOWS ARE IN INDIA.  IT HAS THE LARGEST NUMBER OF WIDOWS IN THE WORLD.  54% OF THE WOMEN OVER 60 ARE WIDOWS IN INDIA.  12% OF THE WOMEN BETWEEN THE AGES OF 35-39 ARE ALSO WIDOWS. 

THERE IS SOME HOPE FOR WIDOWS OF INDIA.  MOHINI GIRI A WIDOW OF INDIA.  SHE WAS ABLE TO ORGANIZE WITH OTHER ORGANIZATIONS TO CREATE A PLACE IN VINDRAVAN THAT EMPOWERED WIDOWS.

SHE CREATED A PLACE CALLED "AMAR BARI".  AMAR BARI IS A PLACE THAT OFFERS VOCATIONAL TRAINING TO THE WIDOWS. GIRI, GOAL FOR THE WIDOWS IS TO REHABILITATE EACH AND EVERY WIDOW. 

AMAR BARI WANTS TO TEACH THE WIDOWS SOCIAL SKILLS AND LEARNING SKILLS.  THEY HOPE TO MOTIVATE THE WOMEN TO GAIN ECONOMIC INDEPENCE AND CONFIDENCE. THE WIDOWS PERFORM JOBS SKILLS FOR WHICH THEY RECIEVE INCOME.  SOME OF THE JOBS INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING: WEAVING, SPINNING,  AND NURSES.

THE WIDOW'S PRODUCE GOODS SUCH S QUILTED JACKETS, BEAD WORK, LEATHER POUCHES, AND CLOTH BAGS.  SOME OF THE WIDOWS WORK AS NURSES TAKING CARE OF PATIENTS AT THE AMAR BARI.

THE TOUGHEST BARRIER FOR WIDOWS TO CROSS IS THIER OWN CULTURE AND WHAT THEIR SOCIETY SAYS THEY MUST DO.  IN INDIA WOMEN AND WIDOWS DO HAVE CERTAIN RIGHTS.  THEY HAVE CUSTOMARY AND STATUTORY LAWS THAT PROTECT THEM.  THE WOMEN OF INDIA DO NOT FEEL A SENSE OF EMPOWERMENT.  THEY DON'T FEEL LIKE THEY CAN FIGHT FOR THEIR RIGHTS. 

PLACES LIKE AMAR BARI ARE TRYING TO CHANGE THE MIND SET OF THESE WOMEN.  OTHER ORGANIZATIONS ARE HELPING TOO.  GUILD SERVICES AND THE NATIONAL COMMISSION FOR WOMEN ARE HELPING TOO.  I AM THERE ARE OTHERS TO.

WE NEED TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT THIS ISSUE.  WE NEED TO GET OTHER WOMEN'S RIGHT'S GROUPS INVOLVED.  WE MUST ALSO ASK OUR PRESIDENTAL CANDIDATES ABOUT THEIR POSITION ON THIS ISSUE. 

PLEASE RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT THIS ISSUE.  THESE WOMEN DESERVE RESPECT AND DIGNITY. 

SARAH

Women of India Shunned for No Reason Other than Tradition--Sarah K (must read)

IN INDIA THERE IS A SAD STORY THAT MUST BE TOLD.  WOMEN ARE BEING SHUNNED BY SOCIETY.  WHY? BECAUSE IT IS A TRADITION IN INDIA.  LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN.  IT IS A TRADITION IN INDIA. 

THE WOMEN THAT ARE BEING SHUNNED ARE WIDOWS.  THEY ARE CONSIDER TO BE THE POOREST INDIVIDUALS OF THE COUNTRY.  IN INDIA HINDU WIDOWS CAN NOT REMARRY.  THEREFORE, WHEN THEIR HUSBANDS DIES THEY ARE SHUNNED FROM SOCIETY.

THEY ARE ALSO SHUNNED FROM SOCIETY BECAUSE THEIR SOCITY KNOWS THAT WHEN THEIR HUSBANDS DIE THAT THEY WILL BE A FINANCIAL BURDEN ON THEIR FAMILIES.  SO INSTEAD, OF THE FAMILIES TAKING CARE OF THEIR MOTHER OR SISTER THAT JUST TELL THEM TO GO AWAY.  THEY HAVE NO COMPASSION FOR WHAT THEY ARE GOING THROUGH.  IT IS LIKE THE FINANCIAL BURDEN IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.

THE HINDU WIDOWS CAN NOT REMARRY.  THEY CAN NOT WEAR JEWERY.  THEY ARE FORCED TO SHAVE THEIR HEADS.  MOST ARE FORCED TO WEAR WHITE ONLY.  MOST WALK HUNCHED OVER WITH WALKING CANES.  YOU CAN SEE THE PAIN IN THEIR FACES.  IT JUST BREAKS YOUR HEART WATCHING IT UNFOLD.  IT IS ESTIMATED THAT INDIA HAS 40 MILLION WIDOW'S.  I JUST CAN NOT IMAGINE THAT MANY PEOPLE IN THIS CONDITION.  IT MUST BE STOPPED. 

MOST OF THE WIDOW'S GO TO A CITY CALLED VRINDAVAN. THE WIDOW BELIEVE THAT THE CITY WILL FREE THEM FROM THIS TYPE OF LIFE IN THE AFTERLIFE.

WE CAN NOT ALLOW 40 MILLION WOMEN TO SUFFER LIKE THIS.  WE NEED TO REACH OUT TO THESE WOMEN.  INDIA MUST BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE WOMEN.  WE CAN NOT ALLOW THIS TO BE THE MIND SET OF THE GOVERNMENT TOWARDS WIDOW'S IN INDIA.  IT IS AN OUTRAGE.  IT HURTS TO HEAR IT.  IT HURTS TO WATCH IT.  IT HURTS TO IMAGINE THESE WOMEN WITH NOTHING.  WE MUST STOP THE PAIN.  PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD. 

Anti-choice supporters trying to use guilt tactics to gain support: sarah

Today, I received a very graphic bulletin by someone who was anti-choice.  The bulletin was full of graphic photos of aborted babies.  I do not appreciate these tactic's by the anti-choice movement.  It is really sad that they have to resort to this type of propaganda.  They will not win people over this movement.  It will only outrage people more.  People will turn against them.  People do not want to see to type of material.

Getting this bulletin angered me so much.  These people do not know the situations that these women faced before choosing to have an abortion.  How dare this person pass judgment on some else.  In the bulletin it said if you don't pass this on you don't have a heart.  That is absolutely wrong.  I have one hell of a heart.  I care about others but, I don't believe abortion is wrong.  Everyone gets to make that decision by herself.  Everyone has different circumstances.  My body, My Choice. 

I am bothered by the fact that in this bulletin it said if you can't take care of a baby don't have sex.  Not everyone chooses to have sex.  Thousands of women are raped each year.  They didn't get a choice so don't stand there and tell me that those women should not have had sex.  They were raped against their will.  You don't know the HELL they went through.  NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL ME THAT THESE WOMEN CAN'T HAVE AN ABORTION.

sarah