Mixing it up a little

I love otters. Apparetly so do the female visitors at this zoo.

Misogynist Propaganda?

Note: The title of this blog comes from the title of an article I read as a pre-teen in Sassy magazine about PMS. The phrase has been burned into my memory and still plays a role in how I think about things. I also thought of titling this entry "Don't f-- with my body, Don't f-- with my brain."

I wanted to rant a little about 2 things related to the Science & Sociology surrounding women's body systems and add my wtf?!

Science and the media tell me my eggs are rotting.
Well, not exactly. These little voices are telling me that if I wait too long to have children, there is a small chance I will not be able to conceive naturally. Nevermind these 60+ year old women who are having children through IVF (I have a different issue with them), there are stories upon stories about how having children over 35 is risky: miscarriage, premature babies, endometriosis, Down syndrome. I keep telling myself, Dammit, Madonna was able to do it naturally (I think)--So can I, if I wanted. The good news is that the majority of healthy (e.g. non-smoker, getting your vitamns and exercise) women over 35 have successful pregnancies. So how much of this stuff is put out there to tell women to have children before age 30? It might just be me because it seems like everyone and their mother is telling me to get married and have children already. (See my comment from Julia's previous post.) BTW, there is also an increased chance of having twins if having children in your late 30's.

"The FDA has approved Lybrel, the first low-dose contraceptive pill that gives women an option to stop their menstrual cycle for an indefinite period of time."
As annoying as menstruation can be, this feels wrong. Like there should be suspense-building music in this part of the horror movie, wrong. The birth control part I'm ok with... the science of the pill has been around for over 40 years. And birth control has been around for a lot longer. Don't think I didn't notice that there was only one woman from the drug company quoted in the article: Ginger Constantine, Wyeth's vice president of Women's Health Care and Bone Repair. WTF? VP of what and what? Did they run out of money and thus had to combine two categories? Anyway, this just seems like another product for women, invented by men. I guess they do work. I mean, I use tampons and they have made my life easier. Soooo.. if you're down with the ability to control and regulate your own period, it should be available for prescription July 2007. I'm not signing up for this one just yet.


One more thing, have a healthy cervix day! That reminds me: I have to schedule my check up.

... Horse and Carriage?

Note: Julia has written this muddled, convoluted post with no real point in response to the recent concise and meaningful posts about marriage by Taberlykim and Simone. She thinks that by prefacing said post with a note she can get away with having no real point. Read at your own risk.

Like most women my age (with 30 just beginning to loom), I think about marriage - not because I am planning to get married (I favor elopement, anyway) but I think about it lately because I live in Japan where the concept of marriage is rather different from the concept we have in America. Though the Japanese usually choose their own marriage partners, the woman still often quits her job upon getting married, even if she doesn't plan to have children for a few years. Follows next; housekeeping and bento box making. Some of my male students, when I ask them what their wives do, will loftily reply, "Oh, she's just a housewife." In Japan, the glamour career of choice for young women is that of the airline stewardess. A friend explained to me that airline stewardessing seems so appealing because a) it offers a chance to travel and b) it offers a chance to meet husbands. I sometimes ask my male students what they think of working mothers - each one I've asked (regardless of age) has put on a sour face and said it was a bad idea - after all, who would take care of the child? Yes, God forbid a grown man should clean a diaper or fix a lunch. In contrast, a few women I've asked about working mothers said they think they're cool, but when asked to explain why their reasons had to do with money rather than female equality.

This system works for them and I have no right to criticize what other cultures do; I'm here to teach the Japanese English, not female emancipation. I'm fully aware that the American system is similarly preposterous to them and probably a few of my students would like to give me a stern 101 on being a respectable woman. When I think about it, the mainstream Japanese system of marriage probably unsettles me mostly because it reminds me of what love-based marriages evolved from; a contract between families, legalized to protect the interests of the male. Over much time, marriage in our society (and many other societies) became, instead, a legalization of a romantic bond - the bride became a lover, a soulmate, a best friend, a potential mother. This is a beautiful idea. The romantic ideal of love in a marriage came before female emancipation - in the West (and more recently in parts of Asia) men and women began to revolt against being given to people. They wanted to live their lives with someone they actually were suited to live with. This idea went down like gangbusters, but it took a lot longer in North America for women to be seen as equal to the man in a marriage. Depending on one's view, the North American system can be seen as encompassing the best of all worlds - love, family and equality. Yet, in North American marriage, women still take their husband's names (a custom begun because the property - or the bride - was changing hands from her father's family to her new husband's). They also very often wear white, even though the fact is widely known that white dresses were worn as symbol of purity to show the new husband the quality of the good he was getting. When I think about those things, it makes me feel that I don't want to get married, i.e., perpetuate those customs, even if the current feeling towards marriage is that it's a beautiful, romantic thing. As Taberlykim mentioned, it is often viewed the pinnacle of a romantic relationship. I know a lot of people who feel that it's not worth dating someone if you can't see yourself marrying them - they feel it's not worth the bother. I come from the "life experience" school - I see the idiots who paid for dinner with a gift certificate and showed up hungover as helpful; they reminded me of what I didn't want and what I wouldn't stand for in a mate. Yes, I said "mate" - though I bristle at the reasons behind customs in today's American marriages I, too, wouldn't mind finding somebody I can grow old with and, perhaps, love enough to want to start a family with. But does that bond really need to be made legal?

Advantages to getting married in today's society:

-the legalization process protects your assets (nothing more romantic than protecting one's assets!)
-relatives and friends shut the hell up***
-said marriage provides an excuse to throw an awesome party and wear a pretty dress
-the gnawing, secret nerves that your mate didn't respect you enough to make you "honest" are quelled
-any resulting children will have a stable environment to grow up in. Assuming, of course, that the marriage lasts.

***a potential deal maker right there

Simone is right - young feminists in the year 2007 still face enormous amounts of outside and internal pressure regarding marriage. Marriage is still viewed as a natural part of life - and let's face it, regardless of their origin, the accompanying customs can be extremely appealing (for the record, I like wedding favors I can eat). I sometimes think the women who began the Feminist movement were more liberated than my generation is - I know of couples in their 50s who have been together (but unmarried) for over 20 years but almost all of my married friends took their husbands' names and were champing at the bit to tie that knot.

Or buy that dress. Whichever.

word of the day!

SELF-DETERMINATION
self-de·ter·mi·na·tion, n.
-Determination of one's own fate or course of action without compulsion; free will.
-The capacity to manage one's own affairs, make one's own judgments, and provide for oneself.

as someone who values independence, i must say that this is one of my very favorite words in the english language. it kicks me in the pants whenever i need a little boost! i'm all about it.

[my] Life's big Questions

I spent the night with one of my best friends and her husband last night. After dinner at Souplantation and internet shopping for bathing suits and Spanx, she laid it on me: the hard questions about my relationship.
- So how long are you going to hold out/on until you say, "Shit or get off the pot."
- If you are not the center of his life now, after almost 6 years, will you ever be?
- How long is he going to string you along before he makes up his mind?
- What the hell are you waiting for?

Last year, these questions occupied my thought, initiated by my own mind. Within the past year I have decided that more important than wedding vows to me was sharing my life with my man. If that meant he needed more time, then I'd give it. If it meant I needed to hot pass on the familial pressure to get married, then I'd oblige. I felt freeing and I have been less worried about it...

Then the questions rear their ugly heads, again. And if anyone mentions that damn book, He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt I will cry. I read it and I hate it. A man wrote it and who cares if he was a writer on Sex in the City.

I will always prefer the freedom of knowing over the freedom that comes from overlooking or forgetfulness.

Answering questions with questions: What have others done in my situation? What should I be asking myself to determine my decision? Why do people so many people see marriage as the ultimate goal of a relationship?

who's gonna love me the way that i am?

TMI @ the Spa

I'm writing this post as a result of two things that I have been dying to do:
(1) Write an introductory post on this blog and
(2) Tell someone what happened to me last Tuesday.

So... hello! and Simone, thanks for providing this wonderful space for feminist expression. Number one, check.

Number two: When I say what happened to me, I do not intend to play the victim or infer that the action that took place was unwarranted or that I was wholly unprepared. But it means that I was--and still am--in amazement and wonder about it. (Now that I have built up a reasonable amount of suspense, the revelation will be anticlimatic.) But anyway, I got my first bikini wax.

Do not read on if you want to be spared the details.

Since it was my first and I needed to find someone/someplace with a good reputation I asked around, did a web search and put it off for several months. I eventually found Jodi and Queen Bee Waxing. Let's go back a few steps... what would compel me to do such a thing? This is not a subject I have talked too much about with my girlfriends or with anyone for that matter. Only one had mentioned that she got a Brazilian last year and she was pleased with the results. I guess that now, after spending a week being more than 90% hairless, I can see where she is coming from. The initial impetus for the wax was the desire to be less self-conscious during swimsuit season. Since learning how to swim a couple years ago, I have been afraid of exposing my special hairs creeping out like spiders while hanging out at the pool or beach. Yes, they are natural. Yes, every adult woman has (or can have) them. But something about other people's pubic hair is disgusting to me. Maybe it's a threat of an STD--is this real or irrational? Anyway, it was a big deal to me. Nevermind about the sex possibly being better or the desire, in any way, to please my partner. To me, it was all about hygiene... and vanity.

Back to the spa... don't worry, I'll try to keep it polite and not to get into the explicit details. But anyway, I drove up to the salon in Culver City and was promptly greeted by Jodi. (You can read more about her on the Queen Bee Waxing website.) After a few minutes, she escorted me to a back room that resembled a mix between a doctor's exam room and a massage therapist's room. Usually in either of the aforementioned settings, the practitioner leaves the room for you to disrobe. But of course, this place and procedure is special. Jodi, in her lingering British accent, instead says, "Don't be shy. Just take off your bottoms." Already, I know it's going to be "like that." I went to an all-women's college so I was used to "like that." The natural upfront-ness and frankness of female to female interaction. The attitude that reassures me that the bikini wax should not be as strange or awkward as I was expecting, but rather technical and straight-forward. Just get on the padded table (covered in white doctor's paper) and spread 'em as I would at the gyno. It was so quick. Everyone who has commented about Queen Bee waxing mentions Jodi's skill and speed. 15 minutes after I stepped into the salon, I walked out with Jodi describing that Asian women are lucky to not have as much hair down there and that I probably don't have to come back for another month. [I start to feel bad for women who have more down there...] We hug (because we're now on that level of intimacy) and I leave, only just beginning to feel the sting.

The shock and awe probably more stems from having not discussed it with others who have done it, and NOT the actual waxing experience. I was embarrased and ashamed to bring it up. AND I didn't want to gross anyone out. What was I to do? I think this feeling is related to the Vagina Monologue discourse about loving your labia, et al. in all it splendor but geez. How does a woman burst through all that society has taught her about how disgusting her vagina is, outside of mustering up the courage to talk about her adventures with her V. I guess that's just what we have to do.

The sting is all gone and there have been no adverse reactions. Still, I have to see in a few months whether I will go back to see Jodi. The pain was worth it, but was the $45?

Thanks for allowing the space for this indulgence. Please feel free to comment and explain to me whether I should or should not be concerned about peeping stray hairs or other perceived un-niceties.

supermarkets ain't so super...food for thought (yes, cliches suck...sorry!)

When I was young, I had a deep penchant for grocery shopping. Nothing thrilled me more than my dad (who by-stepped gender lines & did all of the household shopping) electing me to tag along on his shopping adventure. Well, it was an adventure for me, but more of a business venture for him. Y'see, while I reveled in being able to “play store” in the real world, my dad marveled over the knowledge that, with a brick-like stack of coupons in his hand, he could waltz out of Alpha-Beta with $200+ worth of groceries for half the amount. His action was a snub against “the man” who figured that the population at large wouldn’t set aside time to collect, let alone cut out and organize tiny, colorful pieces of supermarket currency. Well, my dad was wise; he knew, that a family of twelve was not going to eat much if he didn’t find loopholes in the food industry.

So, growing up, I was a mega lo mart gal. I was brought up in supermarkets, k-marts, and safeways. But in time, w/the exceptional lazy jaunts to Vons, I morphed into a Trader Joe's woman. As I got older and began living on my own, my health consciousness increased with each year; if I didn't start tending to my body now, I'd pay financially and emotionally later with increased risks for disease. Despite those fast food impulses, which pounce on my self-rule from time to time, I vowed to be more healthful and limit the amount of foreign, and sometimes toxic, substances entering my bloodstream. Since LA air is 30 proof in toxin levels, and we're asked to block out UV rays with a vat of sunscreen, the natural way I found to sustain a more organic lifestyle was monitoring what I ate. Not only was I improving my eating habits, but I saved some green by eating green.

This epiphany altered my mindset and, I thought, everyone should have the luxury of eating healthy foods. But why isn't this the case? The transition from single to married life has me beached @ my mom's house in El Sereno for a few weeks. In this time, I have become outraged @ the lack of healthy food choices accessible to inner city families. The closest market to my mom's is Albertson's, where with $200, my brother and I barely bought enough food to last our family of five for a week. I was incensed, not only by the lack of organic food choices, but at the steep price tags attached to semi-edible crap!

A dozen cage-free eggs @ TJ's is 99 cents; a dozen “who knows” eggs is around $4 @ your local Albertsons. A loaf of bread w/natural ingredients is $2 @ TJ's, but @ Albertsons, yup, $4 for nutrient free slices. Sure you can get the cheap stuff, but the cheap stuff is...well...CHEAP! The market did carry a few organic lines, but they were often 2-3x the amount as the processed stuff. If you live in the inner city and shop for a family of five, what are your thoughts? If you're of lower income and grasp tightly to ever cent earned, which item are you ultimately going to reach for: expensive, but organic, or cheap and plentiful?

Well, why don't urban families just go to TJ's? They do not bc of awareness and the proximity of such stores. My mom always though TJ’s was a posh and pricey joint; and, if she did decide to go there, she only has one to frequent, which is 15+ minutes away. At the end of the day, she's going to go to Albertsons bc it's 5 minutes from her house. When I lived in Pasadena, I had 3 TJ's to choose from! And, they were all about a 5-minute drive.

In essence, it's easy to suggest that people clip their coupons and try to eat more healthy. Yes, they should drive the 15+ minutes if it means saving $$$ and getting quality food. But why can't a person merely go to their local market and get wholesome food w/out having to take out a 2nd mortgage? Why are the simple things...the fundamentals of life hard to attain in our society? Capitalism? I suppose. Yeesh! And DON’T even get me started about gas prices!!!!!!!!!!!