... Horse and Carriage?

Note: Julia has written this muddled, convoluted post with no real point in response to the recent concise and meaningful posts about marriage by Taberlykim and Simone. She thinks that by prefacing said post with a note she can get away with having no real point. Read at your own risk.

Like most women my age (with 30 just beginning to loom), I think about marriage - not because I am planning to get married (I favor elopement, anyway) but I think about it lately because I live in Japan where the concept of marriage is rather different from the concept we have in America. Though the Japanese usually choose their own marriage partners, the woman still often quits her job upon getting married, even if she doesn't plan to have children for a few years. Follows next; housekeeping and bento box making. Some of my male students, when I ask them what their wives do, will loftily reply, "Oh, she's just a housewife." In Japan, the glamour career of choice for young women is that of the airline stewardess. A friend explained to me that airline stewardessing seems so appealing because a) it offers a chance to travel and b) it offers a chance to meet husbands. I sometimes ask my male students what they think of working mothers - each one I've asked (regardless of age) has put on a sour face and said it was a bad idea - after all, who would take care of the child? Yes, God forbid a grown man should clean a diaper or fix a lunch. In contrast, a few women I've asked about working mothers said they think they're cool, but when asked to explain why their reasons had to do with money rather than female equality.

This system works for them and I have no right to criticize what other cultures do; I'm here to teach the Japanese English, not female emancipation. I'm fully aware that the American system is similarly preposterous to them and probably a few of my students would like to give me a stern 101 on being a respectable woman. When I think about it, the mainstream Japanese system of marriage probably unsettles me mostly because it reminds me of what love-based marriages evolved from; a contract between families, legalized to protect the interests of the male. Over much time, marriage in our society (and many other societies) became, instead, a legalization of a romantic bond - the bride became a lover, a soulmate, a best friend, a potential mother. This is a beautiful idea. The romantic ideal of love in a marriage came before female emancipation - in the West (and more recently in parts of Asia) men and women began to revolt against being given to people. They wanted to live their lives with someone they actually were suited to live with. This idea went down like gangbusters, but it took a lot longer in North America for women to be seen as equal to the man in a marriage. Depending on one's view, the North American system can be seen as encompassing the best of all worlds - love, family and equality. Yet, in North American marriage, women still take their husband's names (a custom begun because the property - or the bride - was changing hands from her father's family to her new husband's). They also very often wear white, even though the fact is widely known that white dresses were worn as symbol of purity to show the new husband the quality of the good he was getting. When I think about those things, it makes me feel that I don't want to get married, i.e., perpetuate those customs, even if the current feeling towards marriage is that it's a beautiful, romantic thing. As Taberlykim mentioned, it is often viewed the pinnacle of a romantic relationship. I know a lot of people who feel that it's not worth dating someone if you can't see yourself marrying them - they feel it's not worth the bother. I come from the "life experience" school - I see the idiots who paid for dinner with a gift certificate and showed up hungover as helpful; they reminded me of what I didn't want and what I wouldn't stand for in a mate. Yes, I said "mate" - though I bristle at the reasons behind customs in today's American marriages I, too, wouldn't mind finding somebody I can grow old with and, perhaps, love enough to want to start a family with. But does that bond really need to be made legal?

Advantages to getting married in today's society:

-the legalization process protects your assets (nothing more romantic than protecting one's assets!)
-relatives and friends shut the hell up***
-said marriage provides an excuse to throw an awesome party and wear a pretty dress
-the gnawing, secret nerves that your mate didn't respect you enough to make you "honest" are quelled
-any resulting children will have a stable environment to grow up in. Assuming, of course, that the marriage lasts.

***a potential deal maker right there

Simone is right - young feminists in the year 2007 still face enormous amounts of outside and internal pressure regarding marriage. Marriage is still viewed as a natural part of life - and let's face it, regardless of their origin, the accompanying customs can be extremely appealing (for the record, I like wedding favors I can eat). I sometimes think the women who began the Feminist movement were more liberated than my generation is - I know of couples in their 50s who have been together (but unmarried) for over 20 years but almost all of my married friends took their husbands' names and were champing at the bit to tie that knot.

Or buy that dress. Whichever.